The thought of quitting something you’ve grown to enjoy is tough. The mere idea of it sounds impossible. Like torture.
And the sad truth is, that in order to live the life of our dreams, our bad habits must be broken. We must do away with the junk in our lives that is no longer serving us. No longer serving us on our journey to becoming our best selves. (In any area of life, really.)
I grew up understanding and being told countless times that smoking was bad. Terrible. Smelly. Unhealthy. (Not to mention addicting.)
I chose to do it anyway.
I swore it wouldn’t happen to me. Enslavement. Addiction. Physically & psychologically depending on a substance to get through my day.
But it happened.
It started out so innocent. All I wanted was to have a smoke with my morning cup of joe. And to have something to do with my boyfriend.
But innocence fades, and with that, the consequences of my actions were soon to follow.
Each day, I would tell myself that I wasn’t addicted. That I could quit anytime I wanted to.
But that was a lie. A total lie.
I lied to others. But more importantly, I lied to myself.
Why I smoked, and continued to smoke:
I found smoking to be a great stress relief. I was in college. Dealing with silly boys and long days filled with school work and shift work at a local restaurant.
I’ve always struggled with anxiety, getting nervous and worried about everything, so I’d smoke to relieve some of those uncomfortable feelings.
I had my first smoke with my younger brother.
Then I started smoking with my boyfriend. So, it became our thing.
It was also a social thing for me. When I’d go to school, I’d hang out in the smoking section. I struck up many conversations and started many friendships over cigarettes.
I’d take fun and exciting smoke breaks at work. So I was able to connect on a deeper level with some of the workers this way.
The purpose of my smoking was to get some sort of emotional release from it. Getting rid of bad feelings, or sitting with the amazing stuff that was going on in my life.
I smoked when I was celebrating something exciting. When I was happy.
To have fun. To lose weight.
I attached feelings and emotions and words to smoking, like: excitement, being cool, being chill, having fun, feeling awesome.
My cigarettes were at times my best friend. When I felt all alone, I knew that cigarette would be there. Waiting for me. And it would make me feel good. It made me feel not so alone.
And that’s where I’ll leave off for today’s CLIFF HANGER!
Part 2 coming next week..When & Why I decided to quit. Talk to you next Tuesday!
With love and gratitude,